The Musical Guide to Breaking Up
September 17th 2008 05:26
Generic love song
This one is untitled because it specifically applies to each couple. That special song which once induced a fluttering mating dance is now the soundtrack to your misery. You can hardly hear the music over your wailing. You need to not listen to this song for at least six months to avoid jumping off a sizable gap. But you’re going to listen to it anyway, so you may as well cry it out. However when you’re unable to breathe because snot has clogged every orifice in your body you know it’s time to press pause. At least do it for the sake of your neighbors who have probably called the police in the fear that someone inside your house is torturing a sack of babies.
Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive:
The ultimate shameless classic. Go to karaoke. Belt it out. You’re still at the stage where you’re eyes look as if you’ve been in a serious car accident, and every window you look at beckons you to jump out of it. Your friends probably want to kill you by now so you won’t risk losing any by singing this song in public. Because you’ll be alone. Main risk is for boys – any female in the room will think you’re a clear candidate for the other team and are more likely to talk to you about their menstrual cycle than a possibility of rebound sex.
The Avalanches – Since I left you:
A dreamy sweet melody laced with coconuts lulls you into a beautiful false sense of security. Then the lyrics come in.. “Since I left you, I’ve found a world so new, every day”. Closing your eyes you let yourself believe that this ‘new world’ you’ve found contains a tropical island, a lot of smiley people and a never ending supply of pinna coladas. You’re not hurting anymore and happen to be extremely tanned and good looking. Everyone there loves you and you’ve acquired the ability to skip down the beach in slow motion wearing a hula skirt and a giant grin adorns your untainted heart.
The Teenagers – Homecoming
So you’ve dragged your sorry arse out of bed to try and stimulate blood circulation if nothing else. The sudden movement has released some of your dormant serotonin and you get a fleeting kick of confidence. The unemotional, cocky swagger of The Teenagers suddenly appeals to you. They represent everything you are not. In a pathetic attempt to emulate them, you scream the lyrics “I fucked my American c*nt” and “It was a dirty dream come true, just like I like it she’s got nice tits”. That’s right, all you’ve been dreaming about is the hot sex you’re going to have, you don’t even want emotional attachment or security; you’re a machine. You’re life revolves around being the pimp you’ve always knew you were. You like nice tits. And apparently you like fucking your cousin.
Who are you kidding? Go back to bed and wallow, fool.
The Vines – Get Free
“I wanna get free ride into the sun, she never loved me why would anyone?” This is the premise for your first night ‘out on the town’. Don’t take any valuables, disable your phone from making calls and sending txt msg’s, wear as much protective gear as possible and don’t go anywhere where anyone will know you. Make some calls to secure a friend who will bail you out of jail in the morning.
UB40 - Red Red Wine
What better song to sing while you’re wrapped in flannelet pj's, getting drunk and considering an overdose on whatever prescription medications you can find in the kitchen? “Red, red wine stay close to me, don`t let me be alone It`s tearin` apart my blue, blue heart”. You then write a request for paramedics to throw your blue blue heart at the front door of your ex’s house. Maybe then they’ll be sorry.
Underworld – Born Slippy
This works best for when you have been clinically classified as ‘emotionally barron’. You are a zombie and have moved onto being completely indifferent to your wellbeing. You are taking drugs and don’t like emerging from your den during daylight hours. You wear baggy, ripped jeans, have a shaved head and are running through a street in Scotland with a large bag of cash and a big grin on your face. This is what happens if you don’t ‘chose life’.
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